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Gravitation Zero

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[Thursday, April 15th, 2004
[ mood | tired ]

Well, I have officially been not-single as of the thirteenth. Haha, my XY Chromosome. Umm....lately, I have been doing nothing. Heh. Basically just sitting around with Johnny, Doe, Xandie and Jen [[and Greg]] playing video games and those such things. Super Nintendo rocks. I don't really have anything to say? An update just to update. How exciting. I am tired, and I need to find somewhere to go tomorrow, so I shall sleep. Goodbye.

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[Sunday, April 11th, 2004
[ mood | aggravated ]

Spring break so far:
Thursday: I got off school, slept a little, took a shower, packed my things, and was ready by seven. My sister was supposed to come and pick me up between seven and eight. Of course, she did not show until ten. Meh. It was Johnny's birthday, so I was going over there, but did not make it till almost eleven. Go figure. We sat around for a while, watched tv, we were going to watch a movie, but Johnny's remote was broken. So we layed down and fell asleep on the couch.
Friday: Blah blah blah, went to Subway with Johnny, then we went to Xandie's. Xandie was gone, so we went to the park for a few hours. Went back to Xandie's, her dad was just getting ready to go pick her up from Jen's, so we went with him. I ran to the door to warn Xandie that Johnny was in the van. It was the day of his surprise party, and I wanted to make sure she wasn't going to slide into the van, with his cake and such, and ruin everything, haha. They made him a cake that looked like a penis, it was hilarious. After Jen gets the pictures developed, I'll scan them and post them on here. Johnny, Xandie, and I all went to the park, once again. As soon as we walked out the door, Doe and Mark showed up. For the party. So Doe pretended like she didn't want to go to the park, and Mark almost ruined it. "Noooo, Doe, I wanna go, I wanna go." So we had to talk him out of it, haha. Well, we didn't make it as far as the park. We sat down in some grass and talked and played around. I found a four-leaf-clover. Hurrah. We messed around for a while, then went back to Xandie's. Blah blah, surprise, ate some cake. It was pretty good for cake, usually I hate cake. We all sat around a while longer, and Johnny, Greg and I went to Johnny's to get my stuff. We got back to Xandie's, Jen was gone, we all ordered chinese. Then we watched Road Trip. Mark had to stay at Johnny's, his ride never showed up, et cetera, et cetera. They left at almost one, then Xandie and Doe put in Ten Things I Hate About You. I fell asleep. Of course.
Saturday: Woke up, talked to Xandie for a while, ate some breakfast, got on the computer and such things. Played Zelda, introduced Zelda to Xandie. Then I had to leave. Got home, my mother was being a cuntbag, and I wasn't in a good mood, really. Of course everyone I talked to had to be an asshole, which really didn't help, and I began to feel quite annoyed. I talked to Felicia for a while, discovered that my kitten is pregnant [[does anyone want a half-breed siamese cat? my siamese is full, but i'm pretty sure the random cat she mated with is not]]. Then I talked to Johnny till about one in the morning and went to bed.
Sunday: My neice woke me up early, I shut my door, solving all problems. Woke up at eleven. Ate some candy, pretended I liked the clothes my mom bought me [[they're really not all that bad, but I'm still going to take them back]]. Now I am waiting for my sister to come and get me so I can leave. W00t.

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[Saturday, April 10th, 2004
[ mood | amused ]

Wow, I haven't written in here for quite some time. I have been abusing my livejournal, haha. As of now, I am at Xandie's. She is playing Zelda: Ocarina of Time for the first time, and it's amusing. Spring Break started on Thursday, w00t. I'll write about all that later, I'm just updating to update. My sister should be arriving soon to take me home. Alanna said I needed to be home Sunday for "Easter". Oh hurrah. It's alright I suppose, I can just do laundry, work on my room, and get candy. After all the "visiting" is over, then I'm off once again. I shall disappear into the world of urban areas. Aside from the usual corn fields. Roar. I am done now.

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[cryptic writings on the wall....] [Monday, March 22nd, 2004
[i repeat
you don't
get it right
the first time]

she doesn't know what she says
and what she means, is never
the same as words. they're just words.
and it works both ways, both
wrong and right
and nothing is ever right
but the sound of her breathing
(because her breath doesn't decieve)
she sees in perfect halos,
obscured flaws
and splintered daydreams
she knows the truth
distinguished from her fantasy
but how could you ever
believe her,

you can't.

[this is what one gets when one keeps to oneself]

(the words i say and the words i mean
don't line up, and they're unforgiving)
maybe my heart and my mind
need to make a compromise
and my mouth needs to listen
while my truth does the speaking

[shh, i am falling for him....]
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[Thursday, March 18th, 2004
[ mood | happy ]

Today, I came home from school and cleaned. I hate the fact I am the only one who has to clean in this house. Ah well. =\ Then I waited for Alanna to come home, and she had to take Jacob to basketball practice or whatever, so she drove me to Felicia's. Felicia and I just sat around and talked. Mostly about guys. Haha. She is infatuated with my cousin, it's so adorable. She blushes all the time, and told me Jay Are is all she can think about. Which is understandable, that happens. Lately he's been all that's on my mind. I just randomly find myself thinking about him. Haha. I was writing in my infamous notebook today, and couldn't concentrate well. It's annoying. I'll get over it. Haha. Well, I think I am going to go now. I have to do Algebra. Bleh.

Johnny just made Lynn smile. :) What a lovely Johnny.

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Don't let reality kill me.... [Wednesday, March 17th, 2004
[ mood | thoughtful ]

When faced with a mountain of tasks, she reposes at the base while the hours fade away into nothing. She waits until the last moment, recklessly courting failure reveling in the surge of adrenaline searing her body. Her mouth bleeds offensive speech. But no tourniquet will staunch the deluge issuing forth from this foulmouthed creature. She entombs herself in the endless danse macabre, adorned with the Lovely Red Shoes of Vanity. Malcontent, she broods over her dissatisfaction but takes no action to remedy the situation. And for all her proclamations of misanthropy she surrounds herself with people -- such a social paradox. When her emotions flare and build to a raging inferno. She represses them. She douses them with the icy water of self-control. She becomes attached to material objects, fully aware of their transience, yet unable to release them. She glares at the other side of the mirror....

I am an avalanche of bent wire and sparkly things, playful shimmers that will dazzle you if you look past the rust. If you care to look past the rust....I am a shy lorelei, small smiles are all I've got....you say I'm a siren, but only on Tuesdays. I say that's my choice, and you'll have to trust me. My eyelashes are made of flower tendrils. I'm a lotus, really, magenta on the inside, an untouched beauty. But I'm rusted, busted, never trusted. My voice is raw from screaming "I'm a flower, and I'm never watered." So sky, I command you to open. Let it rain on me, and I will rust until I'm indestructible.

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Passion is forgotten.... [Wednesday, March 17th, 2004
[ mood | indifferent ]

A suicidal lost art....and I want it back.

Yesterday, I was talking to Johnny online [big surprise], and somehow, we got on the topic of relationships. To quote Johnny, "sex isn't needed, i mean in time with two certain people it will come, but like me myself i much rather want to find someone to be in a relationship with, just not for sexual reasons, but like every couple sexual things will happen, but they can totally wait, i'd rather make sure the person is right for me..." I completely agree with him. It's amazing how things are now. Everything based on sex. It disgusts me actually. When Logan and I were together, so to speak, that's all it was. But, I see no point in basing relationships on sex. That's why I could never see myself with Chad. He wants a purely sex-based relationship. And I can't do such things. I used to be infatuated with his smirk. There was just something about it. But, after I realized these things, his smirk no longer entices me. Another thing I came upon, was he would be a horrendous person to be in a relationship with. He doesn't have a good personality for that kind of thing. Make sense? Doubt it. Don't get me wrong, he's a great friend. But I do not see myself with him, or anyone like that for that matter. I want someone who....wouldn't mind just holding each other at night. Or sitting up and just talking. Yes, don't get me wrong, doing sexual things is nice sometimes. And I like to kiss. But sometimes I just like to hug. Does that make sense? I am trying to word this all in a way you can understand. But, what's the point of rushing into sex anyways? Then there's nothing to look forward to. I'm a hopeless romantic, I know. Somewhat pathetic, but I am rather fond of it. =P I also have a tendency to become too attached to people. I hate it. Because then it hurts even more when you're stabbed, so to speak. I cling to people, whether it be friends or love interests. I wish I wasn't like this. Then I could let things go. But, of course not, things can never be easy on me. Heh.

I want someone interesting. Who can just throw random facts about themselves at me. I want to learn from them. I want someone who is as complex as me, yet just as simple. Quite the contradiction, I am aware, but it's what I want. I want someone with an amazing personality, and someone who can make me laugh. But when needed, someone who's shoulder I can cry on. I have to be able to have an intelligent conversation with them. They have to have beautiful hands and a lovely nose. Because, to me, those are the most attractive parts on the human body. I have to be able to trust them, and they must be honest. I can't handle too many more lies. Someone who can listen to my madness, and even understand it from time to time. Someone who is as willing as I am to make out in the rain. I look for perfections, but at the same time, imperfections. And somehow, find them beautiful. And somehow I still fall for the opposite of beauty. Two blind eyes, and I'm deep inside of you. You don't have to admit it. You probably don't even know. [But then everything is always more beautiful in the dark.]

I want someone who won't try to hurt me, but knows that not all pain hurts. When asked "Do you prefer red apples or green?" they can respond "I prefer apples themselves." Someone who, when I shut my eyes, out of pure darkness I can see their face. And when I get off the phone with them, I realize my face hurts, from smiling so much. Someone who will accept me as I am. Who will look past my faults, maybe even love them. Someone who will love my bad puns, random seemingly inconsequential imagery and lame cliches. They define me. I want somebody who can hold my interest. Hold it and never let it fall. Someone who can flatten me with a kiss, or a sentence that stops me, like a brick wall. If you hear me talking, listen to what I'm not saying.

All I want is everything. Do you think I'm asking too much? I could say so much more, but I feel this is enough for now.

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[Tuesday, March 16th, 2004
[ mood | melancholy ]

[I hear I whisper your name while I sleep....]

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Where the willows never weep.... [Tuesday, March 16th, 2004
[ mood | cynical ]

I finally did start working on that Algebra homework. Here I thought I had till Friday, but I think it's all due tomorrow. Which really sucks. Mrs. Bille is a fucking cunt. Ah well. I suppose I could make things easier and do my homework when I get it....not two weeks later. Haha. Chea' right. My mother is making french fries. I'm not all that hungry.

I have been chronically listening to The Cure. One song in particular. Burn. It's not even their best song, but it's awesome. And conveniant I suppose. Heh.

"Oh, don't talk of love," the shadows purr. Murmuring me away from you.
"Don't talk of worlds that never were, the end is all that's ever true. There's nothing you can ever say. Nothing you can ever do...."
Still every night I burn, every night I scream your name.

"Just paint your face." the shadows smile. Slipping me away from you.
"Oh, it doesn't matter how you hide, find you if we're wanting to. So slide back down and close your eyes. Sleep a while, you must be tired."
But every night I burn. Every night I call your name.
Dream the crow black dream....

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Don't be afraid....there's nothing to fear.... [Tuesday, March 16th, 2004
[ mood | blank ]

Once again, I have started over. I have a tendency to do such things. Delete my entries. I think it's because I desire the ability to start everything all over again. Who knows, maybe things would turn out better. I often sit and wonder what things would be like if I would have done them differently....

But, that cannot be helped now. Nothing can. I need to do my Algebra homework. Really bad. Heh. Again, we shall see how things go. Another thing I need to do, is not think so much. But I highly doubt such a thing is to happen. Haha. Erg, I think I am going to go now.

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